Fatteo and Jewliet
by Peaceouttalove
Summary: Stan now must live with the guilt. Kyman


**This is probably the most dramatic thing I will ever write. I'm reading Romeo and Juliet in school, so I guess this is kinda a Kyman parody of it. R&R please. Thank you.**

Stan Marsh holds the camera in front of his face. The image appears fuzzy, but clears in a moment.

"Hello everyone. Before I begin I want you all to know that this is perfectly legal. Kyle Brovfloski signed a contract giving me his permission to do this." Stan states.

"Of course, everyone who knows him as well as I do knows that he never really reads the things he signs and agrees to. Ironically his dad's a lawyer, so he-Oh, whatever." Stan sighs and then shouts, "This is legal, get it!"

"Sorry, sorry. I just can't believe it has to come to this to get Ky to open his eyes. I thought he was smart, but he's been doing this, he's been lying to everyone, even himself, FOR SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!"

A single tear falls from Stan's left eye before he clears his throat and continues.

"Let me start from the beginning. My name is Stanley Marsh, and I always thought I knew my Superbest Friend, Kyle Brovfloski better than I know myself. We've been friends since birth. Last weekend, however, at Craig's party I saw something-"

Stan puts down the camera and runs off. The sound of him barfing can be heard from the bathroom. When he comes back, his shirt is stained with vomit.

"I saw his mouth on the dick of his enemy!" Stan blurts. "Now, knowing Eric Cartman, he's been trying to get Kyle to suck him dry since the day he found out what that meant. So, I figured, Cartman was blackmailing Kyle, or got him drunk, or he was somehow taking advantage of him, but I-"

Stan runs to the bathroom to puke again, only this time he is gone for a longer period of time, and it sounds a lot more severe.

He returns, and sobers himself up in order to tell the rest of the story. "When I confronted Kyle I found out that he and the fat ass had been screwing around behind everybody back since the third grade."

Stan pinches his nose and says, "I mean, Jesus, they were only eight years old.A-and the worst part was that...I'm so sorry." Stan says as he goes to throw up for a third time.

You can no longer tell what color shirt Stan is wearing because it is now drenched in his vomit. "Kyle thinks that he's madly in love with Cartman." He sums up.

"Now, I don't have a problem with gays or anything, but I do have a problem with a certain manipulative fat ass taking advantage of my Superbest Friend and waiting for the perfect moment to break his heart and send embarrassing photos and videos of him across the internet." Stan explains.

He mimics Kyle's girly tone and starts to batt his eyebrows, "Oh no, Stan, Eric's not like that when we're alone. We don't really hate each other. It's all an act. He even converted to Judaism to prove how much he loves me."

"Makes me sick how blind he his." Stan spits. "He even made me swear that I would never tell anyone because if his bitchy mom ever finds out-No offense Mrs. B, if you're watching this, but Kyle really did call you a bitch, proves how brainwashed the fat ass has him-Anyway, Kyle said that if his mom ever found out, they're,"

Stan air quoted, "Star-crossed love story", "Would end similar to Romeo and Juliet, in which, they would end up both killing each other because they would rather die than not be together." He rolls his eyes as he says this.

"So, that's how this idea came about. With Kyle's signed permission on the contract I mentioned earlier, I've sedated him with drugs...under the hospital's watchful eye of course."

Stan directs the camera to Kyle asleep in a hospital bed. "He'll be out for a few hours, but when he wakes up, he'll be fine, don't worry."

The camera goes back to Stan. "But the fat ass doesn't know that. He thinks Kyle's dead. So, when he arrives, we'll see how much he really loves Kyle. If my Superbest Friend is right, Cartman will be devastated and will try to kill himself, but I'll stop him in time to tell him that Kyle's not really dead and I'm sorry for this, but if I'm right, and I really think I am, Cartman will not care at all, or better yet start rejoicing,"

Stan explains, "And when Kyle wakes up, I'll either start apologizing, or I'll show him this video that's bound to open his eyes."

"But I have to be very convincing in my part of this experiment. So before the fat ass arrives, I'd like you to direct your attention to Exhibit A-"

"Hiya, Stan!" The camera is suddenly twirled at Butters who has just popped into the room. "Butters, go away, I wanna be alone with Ky." Stan says from behind the camera.

"Why? He's unconscious, he won't be able to hear a word you say. And what's with the camera?" Butters asks. "Get out, or I'll call your parents." Stan threatens. "Oh hamburgers, please don't do that, they'll ground me! I'm leaving. See ya!"

The camera returns to Stan, "Sorry about that. Now, where we? Oh yeah, direct your attention to Exhibit A."

A bowl of raw onions appears on the screen. "It doesn't take much to fool Cartman since he's such a dumbass, so I'm sure these'll do." Stan approaches the bowl and takes a whiff of the onion's scent. Sure enough, he starts to tear up.

"Only a matter of time until *sniffle* the fat ass comes *sniffle*." Stan warns the camera.

As if on cue, the door opens. The camera is quickly tilted to an angle so that the viewers can see Eric, Stan, and Kyle, but Eric cannot see the camera.

"Oh God! What the hell happened?" Eric cries. "S-some asshole ran him *sniffle* o-over." Stan sobs, "I know you hate him, but it w-would be nice if you pay your r-respects because the d-d-doctor s-says *sob*-" Stan is crying too hard to complete his sentence.

Eric pushed him agains the wall and growls, "Tell me what the doctor said." "*Sob* H-he's not g-gonna *sniffle* make it *sob*."

Eric releases his grip on Stan and falls over, and is now crying twice as hard as Stan was. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a hand gun. "*Sob* I love you, *sob* Kahl!"

Stan gasps, "Dude, no, Kyle's not dead!" As he makes a desperate reach for the gun, Eric pulls the trigger, and a bullet comes flying out hitting him in the forehead.

"Shit!" Stan cries as blood leaks from Eric's head. He runs out, puking, crying, and calling for a doctor.

Kyle's eyes flutter open. He screams when he sees Eric's dead body at the foot of his bed. He jumps down and hugs the body, crying the hardest. "Eric. No! Please, come back to me!"

Still crying, Kyle takes the gun from his Eric's still sweaty hands. But before he can do anything, he notices the camera on the chair next to his bed.

He approaches the camera and flips it off. "I hope you're happy, Stan." Kyle spits. He places the gun in his mouth, scrunches up his eyes and pulls the trigger.


End file.
